And no, before you ask, I didn’t watch it while completely blitzed out of my mind on beer and cough syrup. (Like that’s anything new, anyway.) No, I watched it using what’s now known as the Machete Order. For those of you too lazy to click on a hyperlink (really, if you can’t click on that, you should go and check yourself before you wreck yourself), the Machete Order is a re-imagined order in which to watch the Star Wars movies.

Yes, Luke, you can do something other than what Papa Lucas intends.

I can hear you now. “A reimagined ORDER in which to watch the Star Wars movies? Bill, you’re on crack. The Star Wars movies are perfect, and everything George Lucas shits is liquid plutonium.” Well, it may be liquid, but it’s certainly not plutonium. Listen, Lucas has done a lot of great things, but he’s only human - and as such, he suffers from “do-over syndrome”, like we all do… the urge to go back in time and re-do some of the things we’ve previously done, but to do them in a different way, or to do them better. Lucas, unlike all of us, has a neat time machine in the form of a metric buttload of cash that allows him to re-invent and re-release all his earlier work. And like lemmings, we gobble that shit up. The 2nd Star Wars trilogy is a great example of that. Most folks agree that they aren’t as solid cinematically as the Original Trilogy, and they’re right.

Dammit, Lucas, stop trying to make the scoundrel nice.

But this little jaunt into the nerdier back alleys of my brain isn’t about whether or not Han Shot First (everyone knows he did!) – rather, this is about watching the Star Wars movies with some methodology that doesn’t require you to throw your bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 through your flat screen TV when you see Jake Lloyd on the screen or watch Jar Jr step in the poopie. After using the Machete Order, I’m firmly convinced that this is the way the movies should be seen. (Bonus points if you actually get Harmy’s Despecialized Edits for the Original Trilogy.) To make a long story short (too late!) the Machete Order requires you to view the films in this sequence:

1. Episode IV: A New Hope
2. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
3. Episode II: Attack of the Clones
4. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
5. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Note the most important thing in the above order: Episode I: The Phantom Menace isn’t even something you watch! Why not watch the weakest movie in the series? As Machete puts it: Nothing important happens in this movie. All of it can be safely thrown away. And he’s right - every character introduced in this movie is either irrelevant or has further development to flesh out their character in Episode II. Yeah, we miss out on the first truly epic lightsaber battle scene and the amazing Ray Park as Darth Maul, but oh well - it’s worth it to get a tighter story arc, and much less Jar Jar.

There’s another benefit to watching the movies in this order as well, as Machete points out: the plot twists are preserved. We see Vader admit that he’s Luke’s father at the end of EMPIRE, and then we get treated to a four-hour long flashback that SHOWS us exactly what happened to the Jedi, how Anakin became Vader, and ultimately the truth behind Vader’s confession that he WAS Luke’s father. (Coincidentally, “Darth Vader” roughly means “Dark Father” in Dutch, so I think folks in the Netherlands probably believed Vader’s confession right out of the gate. Way to blow that cliffhanger, George.) As an added bonus, confirmation about Luke and Leia being sisters comes in Episode III, rather than at the 2nd half of Episode VI.

Then, once Episode III is over, the flashback ends, and we come back to Episode VI to see Luke’s story arc end, and we get to see Anakin’s redemption. Everything ends with a giant Ewok sex yub yub orgy, and they all fly off into outer space and eat scrambled eggs. The end.

Or is it? That still leaves Episode I. Watch it AFTER you view all the others in the Machete Order, and treat it as a standalone segment that simply shows Anakin’s youth. It’s better that way.

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If you're in your 30s or 40s, and (probably) have a Y chromosome (I know there some ladies out there who've seen this, and I'm not trying to exclude you - y'all are awesome, but you gotta admit most of the kids who watched this in the 80s were guys…), then you'll understand the significance of this blog post. Megaforce is perhaps one of the cheesiest movies ever to come out of the mullet-ridden 80s. Directed by Hal Needham of Smokey and the Bandit fame, this movie is powered by motorcycles, scotch, bad dialogue, and fireworks. Don't believe me? Check out this clip:

Isn't this just full of cheeseball crack-fueled goodness? I mean, if I was going to put FUCKING MISSILES and MACHINE GUNS on combat dirtbikes, I'd at least give the guys a way to aim without having to POP A FUCKING WHEELIE to shoot. But hey, I'm not Hal Needham. This is the guy who had the genius to put Dom DeLuise in a Captain Chaos outfit for Cannonball Run. Even the dialogue is crack-a-lackin'… like this quote from “Ace Hunter”, the main character:

Ace Hunter: Oh, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win, even in the eighties.

I haven't seen this movie in probably close to 30 years, so I'm pretty jazzed to hear that it's coming out on DVD on September 4th. Yes, it's cheesy, and probably pretty horrible by today's standards, but it's also a huge part of my childhood memories and I'm at the point in my life where I'm desperately and pathetically holding on to any tidbit of a simpler, more innocent time (I won't admit to mounting model rockets on my bicycle, you weren't there and there's no way you could have known.) I'm also looking forward to vicariously living these memories through my kid - though I will try my best to stop him from hauling his bike up to the roof to see if it can fly like Ace Hunter's.

If you're looking forward to getting this on DVD like I am, you can pre-order it from Amazon.

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Well, I’ve gone and re-vamped the blog again, using a variation of the theme I’ve used for so long. Tried a different theme recently but it never really stuck, so back to something a little more comfortable, just in a different color. Took the opportunity to update a bunch of things that needed updating, as well as prune a few things. Also re-did the header pictures - each one of those is something I like, rather than something to just display for the sake of filling space.

Now comes the hard part - actually generating content. I’ll get to that - eventually. :)

It’s Towel Day. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a tribute to Douglas Adams - the writer of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series.

If you take today’s date (5/25/12) and add the numbers together, you get 42. 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of “What is Life, the Universe, and Everything?” in the aforementioned Hitchhiker’s Guide books.

Today in 1925, the ”Scopes Monkey Trial” comes to an end, shining a huge light on Darwin’s theories and thrusting them into the national public eye.

Today in 1939, Sir Ian McKellan was born - that’s the guy who played Gandalf and Magneto.

Today in 1961, President John F. Kennedy announces to Congress his famous goal of putting a man on the moon “before the decade is out”.

Today in 1977, Star Wars was released, birthing a plethora of geeks and bringing the Force to everyone.

And today, in 1997, I married Kelly Roberts. Thank you, Kelly, for loving me and bearing with me for the last 15 years. It’s not been easy at times, but it’s been rewarding and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m looking forward to the next 15 years and beyond. I love you more than I can put into words.

• Bill

So about a month ago, AT&T said that they would start allowing off-contract iPhones to be unlocked. Since I’ve got an off-contract iPhone 4 as a “backup” phone sitting in my desk drawer, I decided to go ahead and take advantage of that. After a 30 minute call to AT&T, my iPhone 4 was successfully unlocked.

About a week ago, though, I decided to try and see if I could get my iPhone 4S unlocked, so I gave the ol’ Death Star another call. Not surprisingly, the supportdroid on the phone denied that request, since my current iPhone 4S is “under contract”. Rather than fight that logic, I went ahead and ended the call with them.

But you know me, and I just can’t let something go easily. I started analyzing the phrase “on contract”. My PHONE isn’t the actual basis for the contract - my service with AT&T is. And if my iPhone is unlocked or unlocked, I’m still legally liable for paying my AT&T bill on time every month. If I want out of that contract I agreed to, I have to actually go and pay an Early Termination Fee. If my iPhone’s unlocked and I want to move my service to T-Mobile, I still have to pay AT&T the Early Termination Fee. Or if I am running an unlocked phone and I fly to London and drop a prepaid SIM in it, AT&T is STILL going to get my money for that month. Unlocked or locked status doesn’t matter at all for contractual purposes. Let’s put that in all caps, in case there’s someone from AT&T reading and they didn’t get that.

AT&T WILL GET MY MONEY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER MY PHONE IS LOCKED OR UNLOCKED. I AM IN A CONTRACT AND I’M LEGALLY LIABLE TO PAY AT&T A BUNCH OF MONEY TO GET OUT OF THE CONTRACT BEFORE THE TERM IS UP.

Just once, I’d like to see big companies like AT&T act like they want to work to get my money. Like most of us, I’m willing to pay (and pay a premium, if necessary) to get quality service and support.